*Content warning: includes triggering language when discussing harmful accusatory labeling in regards to sexual sin.
Most of us tend to get defensive, even angry, when others falsely accuse us. We rise up to correct our challengers; we feel the need to justify our innocence. But what happens when, to some extent, we find that an accusation laid against us is true? How do we react when someone calls us out and we realize we've really messed up?
Well, there are countless contributory details that influence our responses. Many of these considerations may have to do with our perceptions of self, our insecurities, our pride, and a number of other concerns surrounding our own person. We may already have a deeply negative and self-condemning image of ourselves; we may already believe deep down that we are beyond redemption, undesirable fundamentally even if we know God...and so we slip into despair and clothe ourselves in shame, refusing to be comforted, refusing to hope for change. Or maybe, unable to face ourselves, we puff up in pride and hash out a vast array of excuses. Maybe we are unwilling to acknowledge that we still struggle with sin because that would mean acknowledging weakness, that would mean we're not strong enough, that would mean we failed and we associate failure with abandonment, condemnation, and neglect. We fear judgment, we fear punishment, we fear the retraction of mercy, the retraction of grace, the retraction of love, the retraction of worth. And obsession or preoccupation with any of these issues of self in the midst of being "called out" can lead us to forget God's heart for us, forget the hope promised us of continual beautification and endless grace despite our weaknesses.
But let's take it in another direction. What if the approach of the individual or group of people calling us out and the nature of their commentary becomes the primary influence on our response? Oftentimes, this is the case. Harsh accusations devoid of love only encourage despair and a fixation on catastrophe. But vindictive indictments are not the only initiating remarks out there; there is such a thing as rebuke in love, and this is healthy though not always received well.
So what's the difference between accusations and speaking the truth in love? Where does the line fall?
Accusations
· From the Enemy, focusing on your faults and suggesting you are no longer eligible to receive the hope of the Gospel and God's offer of redemption
· Attack you as the person rather than the sinful behavior itself; accusations blind you from fully claiming and acknowledging your new identity as one who is and always will be redeemed, loved, beautiful, and constantly being conformed to Christ
· Do not offer encouragement or acknowledge progress
· Inspire despair and overwhelming shame that do no encourage a hope for betterment
· Aim to tear you down rather than build you up; aims to make you feel less than, to punish you, to give you "what you deserve" for your wrongdoings
· Do not come from a desire to foster positive change in you
· Often implement degrading language and are without mercy
· May be accompanied by attempts to permanently re-label you according to your mistake (calling you Liar, Slut, People Pleaser, Good-For-Nothing, Criminal, Failure, etc.), though you are already saved and secure as Beloved
Speaking the Truth in Love
· Inspired by a genuine desire for you to change not only for the good of those around you, but also for your own good
· Recognizes that your own sin hurts you and that your sin may lead to self condemnation, continual frustration, emptiness, and pain; does not wish this for you
· Celebrates God's progress in you and is followed by encouragement
· Inspires a desire to change reinforced by the hope of God's help and provision
· Reminds you that God loves you unconditionally and will surely raise you up to more than you can be on your own
· Is full of mercy and by grace gives you what you could not earn or inherently deserve- love and aid in becoming the best version of yourself
· Does not continually remind you of past failures that God has already redeemed and overcome
· Does not nitpick and is not excessively critical or vicious in nature
· Focuses on exposing a wrongful behavior or isolated action rather than attacking personhood; reminds you of your new identity in Christ
Now it must be said that even when we have received righteous rebuke from our elders, our peers, and even from God Himself, we sometimes experience emotional reactions that are less than pleasant. At first we may still become defensive, we may be sad and be tempted to discouragement, we may refuse to listen, we may feel angry. But if we take the time to recognize the meaning behind words of truth as well as the heart and intentions of the loved one who is speaking to us, if we recognize God in His love speaking to us, we can recover our strength and resolve. We can dare to hope, even if our emotions may be misleading initially.
We should also acknowledge two other things:
1. Not everyone who is trying to help us always executes their attempts perfectly the way God does. They can make mistakes too, even if they are sincerely trying to speak the truth in love. Give them grace, because we are all still learning together.
2. The Enemy may try to distort our perceptions of others' aid, through doubt and nagging voices in our head. Or the Enemy may continue to tempt you to indulge in thoughts that are soaked in self condemnation and hopelessness despite the encouragement of those around us.
Additionally, we need to take time to reflect. Which of these two types of commentary do we hear the most from others? Are there continually toxic people (those who refuse to change their ways in spite of damage inflicted upon you) in our lives that we should distance ourselves from? Are there those who speak to us in love and wisdom that we should grow closer to, even if we don't always like to be called out? What about the voices in your head? Which of these two approaches do your own thoughts towards yourself adhere to?
Which one of these do you find yourself giving out the most? Are you handing out accusations, or loving and constructive analysis?
Jesus Himself acts in stark contrast to those who maliciously accuse others in sadistic hopes of inflicting punishment. John 7:53-8:11 recounts Jesus' response to the woman caught in adultery. While the Pharisees sought out her condemnation, Christ refused to label her according to her sin (though knowing that the continuation of this sin would harm her He gently commands her to "sin no more" after promising that He would not condemn her). His tender words and calm demeanor stands in direct contradiction to the overly eager calls to stone the woman and publicly shame her. Christ clearly saw that her heart was not hardened in pride as was the case with the Pharisees, for Christ speaks far more firmly with them and at times even in righteous anger knowing that some would never choose to shun sin and would willingly continue to bring destruction upon others. Yet this woman, who was likely fearing the soul crushing shame and judgment to come, receives instead truth spoken in love from the most gentle and humble Heart in existence.
Jesus in Mark 14 undergoes the condemnation and shame she so feared. Before the Jewish council, He experienced bitter and hateful accusations against His character and person. He was falsely accused of evil and to all these comments, the Lord said nothing. For every lie concerning His identity, He refused to acknowledge the worthless and ephemeral pettiness spoken by men. It was only when He was asked by the high priest if He was indeed the Christ that Jesus boldly proclaimed that He was indeed the Christ, the Son of the Blessed.
We ought to follow our Lord's example and meet those who tremble in the fear of judgment, even when it is clear they have done wrong, with gentleness and grace. Hebrews 12:15 insists that we should not fail to demonstrate God's grace in our interactions with others. We must also act as Christ did when the Enemy seeks to feed us lies concerning our identity or God's identity. Allowing this poison to seep into our hearts can have devastating effects, but do not despair! It is not beyond redemption. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you imitate the example of Jesus and treat such falsehoods spoken against you meaningless, and instead boldly proclaim what is true: that you who are in Christ can never be severed from His heart, His Spirit, His promises, His salvation, or His blessings, and that Christ is truly always victorious in His fierce and relentless love for us. We are often forgetful, but the Lord will remind us. We often lack confidence and faith, but the Lord will strengthen us and gift us with true conviction of His love and our establishment.
Though the Enemy is our accuser (Revelations 12:10), Christ continually acts as our Advocate and in His power we can declare, as the popular worship lyrics go, "the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy."
Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Psalm 103:9 He will not always chide, nor will He keep His anger forever.
For more on spiritual warfare: See "Jesus and the Enemy in the Wilderness" (Aug. 14, 2020)