This is a hard article for me to write. I tried to send my best friend a text message this morning to tell her that I felt fat and ugly, or ugly because I thought I was fat, against my better judgment (or, rather, against God's better judgment). I couldn't. It wasn't because I didn't trust her, and it wasn't even because I didn't want to share with her. I just couldn't type out the words. Maybe I didn't know what to say or how to say it, or maybe I knew exactly what to say but couldn't face quite face it in her presence, despite the safety I knew would be waiting for me. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way.
In my few years' experience, I've seen the Women's Ministry at my church as well as the wonderful sisters leading in the College Ministry bring up taboo topics that other churches might not dare to mention: not only sexual sin but sexual trauma, gender identity and sexuality within both the heterosexual and LGBTQ+ community. We've talked about abortion. We've talked about relationships going sour. I'm glad these were brought up, and I hope to see more sisters continually lean into these discussions beyond any one-time corporate or small group conversation. But one subject that I rarely see floating about on my church's vast array of Facebook event pages and Messenger chats is body image. This, of course, isn't to say that the previously listed topics aren't undeniably vital or relevant- they certainly are. But upon recent reflection, I thought it strange that nobody was pushing for a space in which to discuss the insecurities that lurk behind the surface so many of us.
Perhaps we don't see this as particularly grave or immediately harmful in light of things like sexual trauma or abortion. Is this because our bodily insecurities don't appear to be as explosively pressing or do we simply not want to talk about it? I am unsure, but given that many sisters have either faced this struggle in the past or continue to face it in their presence, given that it tends to persevere despite our hatred of it, given that it thrives in the shadows where no other voices are allowed to shed light upon it, I find it very strange indeed that we have yet to tackle this together, though we may wrestle with it alone.
I wonder if other churches have taken the bold steps to navigate this treacherous terrain (I hope some have), and I don't necessarily think that my church has intentionally avoided this. But in case you find that there are not many Christian platforms in your life that are discussing this issue, I suppose I might write about it.
So what is it? What do you hate about your body? Do you even hate something about your body, or do you simply have the vague yet strong inclination that it isn't good enough, that it must (and you must) undergo a metamorphosis in order to feel at peace, in order to feel comfortable or at the point where you're enough to finally stop. Do you compare yourself to others or to societal beauty standards? Even if you don't, do you still feel just so terribly uncomfortable and even revolted by yourself in your own body? Do your parents hold you to these standards? Have you heard all the Bible verses and clever one-liners about being God's creation or God's princess and being "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14), yet even so find that something in complete contradiction to these things has already taken root in your heart, in your stomach, in your arms, making it difficult for the implanted Word to seemingly be effectively planted or make much of a difference?
I'll go first. Yes, to that last one. I know that God never said that I was ugly, that He created me with loving intent and He did not make any mistakes in His initial forming of me anymore than His continual formation of my physical form: yet deep transformational conviction eludes me still (though I am firm in the hope that it will not always be so). And to the first question, namely my stomach and the change in bodily shape that it brings whenever it grows or shrinks (mostly when it grows). For context: I've been pretty fit for most of my life. While there have been some periods when I've overate and gained quite a bit of weight, the insecurity seemed brief because I figured I would just work hard to lose the weight and then I'd be fine. Now, however, I find myself in a new scenario. During quarantine, I found myself suddenly vastly underweight and the pains in my stomach contributed to my realization that I was not only unhealthy but unhappy with my physical state and appearance. So obviously I needed to gain weight so I wouldn't feel sick and upset anymore. And I have been- and that's been the issue. For the first time, I feel the creeping shadow of more intense insecurity and I'm having trouble accepting the changes in my body, despite the fact that I know they are healthy. I was so used to being skeletal, and though I did not enjoy this and do not want to go back, that now I feel increasingly uncomfortable when I think about how many more pounds I need to gain in order to be okay. I cannot seem to be okay with my stomach, my expanding waistline, my changing shape. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel comfortable. I feel ugly. I feel ridiculous because I know I've only barely tasted the struggles and pains that many other of my friends have been dealing with for most of their lives. Still, I don't want someone to tell me that my problem doesn't meet the baseline criteria to be taken seriously since it pales in comparison to others' journeys, even though I somewhat believed that myself. I cry until my eyes feel bruised. And the fact that I know I have to push on towards this new image of myself is brutal- because now this version of me is going to be the best version of me for me. I cannot go backwards. And to think too that when I grow older I will change too....
You have your own story. I have mine, and God has His story for us. So what do we do now?
I know at the heart of it I have rejected what God says about me. I have refused to believe His judgments and I have made my own. I have unbelief, as well as inability. I need His help to break the lies I have held onto, the ones I can't seem to let go of even when I try. I need His help to give me full conviction because I cannot will my heart into acceptance; I can only ask that He soften it to be willing to receive fully His truth. Personally, there are deeper problems that I face too- an inability to fully accept my freedom and His grace and love towards me. I'm having trouble seeing God as He truly is because my flesh resists His desire to present Himself (and myself) to me on his terms. My flesh is deceitful and desires my own destruction, whether I think so or not, whether I hate that destruction or not. I can't even properly love myself by desiring true good because a part of me wants to reject the medicine even as my pain increases. So what can I do, what can any of us do? Wait upon His salvation, for He is indeed a Savior and He cannot stop being Who He is, therefore He will not stop the acts of grace and rescue that naturally flow from His being. I cannot save myself. This is a fundamental Gospel truth. He is faithful and will save us, purify us, and grow us into a place where we can more freely and fully receive His love for us because He loves us and quite blatantly refuses to let anything get in the way of that, for His love for us is our greatest good and greatest happiness- that is another Gospel truth. And we know that we need God to need God. We need God to want God.
So do I just sit here helpless, with nothing else to go off of? Yes and no. There are these points to consider, these suggestions to be open to:
1. Whether you think that you are heavily swayed by cultural or social beauty standards or not, understand that these lies and strongholds are pervasive and have most likely spread poisonous seeds in your mind. These values are so deeply ingrained in our daily lives, in our institutions, in our entertainment and leisure that sometimes we may be subject to them subconsciously. If you feel even slightly upset when you don't receive the validation you desire on social media or in in-person interactions, why do you think this is? Is the standard you are striving for impossible to meet, and if so, why are you actually trying to meet it? What need are you addressing, and are you actively hoping in God or trusting Him to fulfill that need through His giving of His whole self to you? Prayerfully ask God to identify and expose the hidden lies, false standards, and worldly demands that you have perhaps not only come to accept but cling to, knowingly or not. Prayerfully ask God to reveal His truth and solution, to bring His comfort and peace that goes beyond all human understanding, even beyond our imaginations. His is a truly stable and steadfast foundation that will not fail us- find the healthy, immovable root of your body image and confidence in Him!
2. "Why are you trying so hard to fit into the standards of a world you do not belong to? Why are you trying so hard to fit into the standards of a world that I said would hate you and persecute you because of Me?" This is the answer my friend and podcaster got while she was praying to God about her insecurities (see her episode "Let's talk about beauty standards" on the Joyfullheartt podcast on Spotify). When you think about it, we're futilely trying to conform to the principalities and powers that we've already identifies as our enemies, as the demonic powers that are actively working towards our destruction, our misery, and our depression. Why would we ally with that? Why are we now in agreement with Satan? I know most of us don't mean to, but the thought is sobering.
3. Consider these verses from Song of Songs or Song of Solomon and journal on them before or after reading the notes; how do these verses challenge worldly beauty standards? What do they have to say about what is included in God's idea of human beauty?
"I am very dark, but lovely...My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept!" Song of Solomon 1:5-6
"Your navel is a rounded bowl that never lacks mixed wine. Your belly is a heap of wheat, encircled by lilies." Song of Solomon 7:2
*Note for Song of Solomon 1:5-6: When the woman says she has not kept her own vineyard, commentators and scholars suggests that she refers to the fact that she has not had the luxury of being able to lovingly care after her own body. She is presented as a working class shepherdess, yet even so, her Beloved boldly and confidently asserts "Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful" (Song of Solomon 1:15); the refined and dainty women of the Court, who would certainly have had more opportunity to care for their bodies and shape them according to cultural beauty standards, they too praise the beauty of this dark shepherdess and call her blessed (Song of Solomon 6:9).
*Note for Song of Solomon 7:2: This is one of the first parts of the man or Bridegroom's descriptive praise of His Beloved, His expressed delight in her. While this book is often read allegorically as pointing to Christ's love for the Church, and in this reading His love for us is in our inward beauty ("...the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" 1 Peter 3:4), yet even so I think God was very intentional in this Scripture. As our Creator, we know He made us beautifully and He has no flaw as a Designer. But do we take the time to consider that He knew us and loved us even before He formed our inward parts? Just as Christ loved us while we were still sinners, before we were saved and transformed into new creations of beauty, did not God love us before even our bodies were given to us? Since His Love stems from His own unchanging nature rather than in response to His creation of us, does it seem probable that your body is rather an expression of His love for you, not the source? Just as He fixes our souls and robes us in His beautiful righteousness for our own joy, as a means of loving and freeing us by loving us into freedom and freeing us into His love, does He not also form your body as a means of loving you? There is only one of you, and there will be only one of you in all the souls of heaven. God loves you in a deeply personally way, and so He lovingly gifted you with your body so that it is His own special and unique gift to only you; nobody else will have your body because it is custom made for you, the highest quality, the only way to love you as you and not as some vague idea or general "child" of God. Should we reject so precious a gift, so intentional an expression of His individual love of us?
4. God is Creator. He created the conception of a chameleon and He decided what a chameleon should look like. He decided what forms belong to elephants and what forms belong to lions. He also created you as an individual person and decided what body shape and skin color belongs to you; that is part of what makes you uniquely you and uniquely beautiful in God's eyes. So why don't we pray for our eyes and hearts to be aligned with His, to see ourselves as He sees us? There's no better Person to ask than He who already sees our bodies as nothing less than beautiful.
5. Thomas Merton writes,
"There is only one problem on which all my existence,
My peace, and my happiness depend:
To discover myself in discovering God.
If I find Him, I will find myself
And if I find my true self I will find Him."
David G. Benner, in his book The Gift of Being Yourself, notes similarly that in order to see ourselves we must gaze upon God as He truly is, and in this we also find ourselves. And he includes in his writing an encouraging Louis Evely quote, "God has no more stopped being Revelation than he has stopped being Love." God desires and delights to reveal Himself to us! And if this is hard to believe, prayerfully consider why and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal lies and hurts that may be crippling you.
Finally: God meets us and loves us in different ways. This is why He did not choose to meet Peter in the same way He met and loved the Samaritan woman at the well. He does not meet and love Paul the way He does Ruth. He has specific ways of caring for us, because He knows us better than we even know ourselves because He can see beauty where we do not. Let's let this great Love captivate our very hearts, renew our minds, and open our eyes. Jesus has and will overcome your flesh, the part of you that hates that He gave you this body to love you. And while we await our realization of His victory for us, we remember:
"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"A bruised reed He will not break, and a faintly burning wick He will not quench; He will faithfully bring forth justice." Isaiah 42:3, of Jesus the Messiah and His gentleness
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7
Prayer: Abba, help us to choose life over death. Help us to receive life over death. Help us to fully enjoy life abundant, which includes the enjoyment and perception of the uniquely beautiful and truly wonderful body that you give us, which allows us to taste and see that You are good. In Jesus' Name, Amen.