There's a song
That I've wanted to sing
For so long
But the tune is just
Out of my grasp
I may see for a moment
When light reflects gold
But so delicate
Slips from my hand
Slips from my hand
Every word that I sing
Is a cheap imitation
Of things that I don't understand
Light reflected on water
The picture gets harder to see
With the eyes of a Man
I hear "Come further up,
Come further in.
The greatest story none on Earth have read."
-From "Come Further Up" by Sarah Sparks
I think about the rest of the story to come. I'm sure I know something of the theme; I'm familiar with the chief characters. But the details elude me. Sometimes the unread pages excite me and I am delighted by the thought of glories I have not yet known but anticipate greatly. Other times, change excites fear and fear excites dread and dread excites a breathing that takes away breath. I know the taste of citrus, but not this particular fruit. I know what jazz is, even made a playlist and listened to it, but I have not savored the soul behind every Duke Ellington or Miles Davis track- and when I sit down by the piano, my fingers do not know the strange, uneven rhythms.
Sometimes, like today, the things of God seem alien to me. There have been times, even after being saved, that God Himself felt strange and unremembered, like a shadow of a memory that I couldn't quite grasp anymore.
Spiritual amnesia...
But still today, when Abba has pulled my heart close to His and I feel His Presence with me, I come across rumors of things that may come to pass or half explained sweeps of His Hand and I find myself not only puzzled but overcome with this feeling of having come across something completely Martian.
A person I know (and know well), a family I know of, goes through things and does things and speak of things that I recognize as being of God but do not come close to understanding. They seem suddenly so far beyond my mind's reach, so utterly strange and outlandish that I feel like I am entirely incapable of knowing the way they know, at least for now. I wonder if they are on some spiritual high ground that I cannot even squint to see. I wonder if they exist on a plane that I cannot now cross. I do not feel abandoned or left on the outside by God; I simply feel like they're playing a game that I have never learned or taking a test reserved for the PhDs. It looks nothing like my life so far. And I am in shock, not quite terrified but something like alarm shocks my bones and quickens my heart.
It's not that I think I will never know this. I am just struck in the way one might be struck if one suddenly passed their secret triplet siblings in the street- the oddity of seeing faces that looks like yours, something that is more than vaguely familiar but paradoxically so unexpected and separate that it makes you tremble.
This family couldn't be any more different from mine. And it's not that mine is anywhere near perfect for it is extremely broken; rather this other family seems quite nearer to perfection than mine. And I don't understand it. I sit on the ground and cry for a bit, then have the sudden urge to go outside and take a long walk, to get lost in nature and be unbothered, almost to hide. My heart does not think I have come across something vile or ugly; all the same, my flesh and its weakness cannot be fully and freely and quickly receptive of this beauty- instead it cowers and hesitates, quivers and shakes.
I sit and pray to Abba to comfort me. I'm not sure what to do. And one other thing- I am not good with change. I react rather violently to things that I do not initially perceive as wonderful revelations. Most things, at first, seem like a hidden fee as opposed to a surprise party. And I'm sure many of us have had to ride the shockwaves of Change this past year. Many of my experiences of it happened within the last week or so. And I can't really keep up, bump after bump after bump after bump. God help me to see that it is good! My heart feels tired.
I know this has all been very vague, and my mind is perhaps incapable of recounting anything precisely. But if anyone has ever felt this- perhaps you're new to this faith and the way people act and talk and the things that they talk about scare you. Maybe you just find yourself challenged by the things of God. But if you've ever been here or are currently here- I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Whatever keeps us from perceiving and receiving, whether it be sin or devil or simply the season, Jesus Christ will overcome it, exchange it for greater beauty and freedom and love, and share His plans and heart with His children, His friends. The waiting, the waiting is agonizing in our flesh. But I tell you: once more, we will taste and see that the Lord is good; we will see His goodness in the land of the living! God will show us good things in the end, peel back the curtain, unveil the secret you've desired but have not known.
-A Reflection from Some Time Back
A Note from the Present: Indeed, the Lord in time did open my heart to receive more of His beauty and His plans. My flesh reviles what is lovely, what I long for. But still, Jesus is faithful and His Spirit is with me to overcome all these things. And, slowly, my heart's memory and conviction of truth returns. I begin to see, to understand once more. I read somewhere recently that "God has no more stopped being Revelation that he has stopped being Love" (the author of my book was quoting Louis Evely). It is true that God delights to reveal Himself to the weak and humble of this world, to His children that they may grow in their heart-knowledge and experience of His love and affection for them; thus they are delighted and He is delighted in their delight. But not only do I return to familiar streams of living water: I hear His whispers of something deeper, something sweeter, on the horizon.