There was a dull ache where the base of her neck met her spine. Forcing herself to sit up a little straighter in her uncomfortable, white plastic chair, she traced the mountain range of vertebral bumps with her fingers, massaging with little hope of relieving the pain. Her sallow skin was stretched tightly over the little humps of bone; in fact, that's how she felt- stretched. "Like butter over too much bread" she murmured unenthusiastically. The magic words from her favorite author did little to alleviate her spirits or inspire her to happiness, as they sometimes could.
The menacing glow of her computer screen shoved the forcefully packed Google calendar in her face. Too many blocks of blue, not enough white space to fit even her pinky toe into. And the blocks imposed their importance upon her, glowering in their own way as if to say "We cannot be challenged. You don't belong here." They felt superior to her in every way. And this wasn't even her schedule.
She clicked the sidebar and her own plans popped up alongside the other person's and she shuddered. She was tired just looking at it. Work left her drained, even though she felt she fundamentally enjoyed it. Other tasks were supposed to be fulfilling, but the pressure of completing them sharpened the already deep-seated fear of drowning into insignificance amidst the busyness of her friend's schedule. Time wouldn't stop for her, she couldn't make anyone else stop for her, and she wasn't even sure if she could successfully stop for herself.
Tired, tired, tired. Did it have to be this way?
XxXxXx
As some of you may have guessed, our unnamed leading lady was thinking of a quote from J.R.R. Tolkien's The Fellowship of the Ring.
In the quoted passage, old Bilbo Baggins finds himself feeling similarly to you and I on our most exhausting days. "Why, I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread. That can't be right. I need a change, or something," he says.
Yeah, you've been there too huh?
Time management, burn out, fatigue. We are all familiar with these words whether we're a student, a ministry leader, an employee, or I dunno just a person?
Personally I had always prided myself in my time management skills. As a college student, I hardly ever had trouble ticking off my to-do list and successfully submitting my homework with much time to spare. I was a master at scheduling, and I loved it. But I'm not a college student anymore. Now I find myself coming to the place of busyness, of juggling. For some reason, the pressures to complete tasks feel fresh and intimidating, and even a lighter workload can trigger anxiety and dread. Adulting is no joke, and even when I do manage to complete all of my jobs for the day, even when the responsibilities are seemingly very small, I find myself far more tired than I ever was as a university student or even as a homegroup leader. New surprises and decisions keep popping up. Which things do I take one, which doors do I walk through, which ones should I shut? How do I get everything done without dying? Why do my smallest chores and work duties seem far more strenuous than my biggest school projects ever did?
Tiredness is natural, and yes sometimes God calls us to do things that will inevitably make us physically tired (ask all the mothers you know). But the tiredness we dread often goes beyond bodily weariness. Our emotional and spiritual inertia or fatigue can stem from many different things, some of them external and out of our control, some of them internal and haunting. Perhaps we don't want to let go of our childhood and we can't accept that we have to "be on our own", or you may wrongly truly believe that you are on your own. Perhaps your pride won't allow you to accept aid or suffer imperfection. Maybe we want to pile our accomplishments sky high to glorify ourselves. Maybe someone told us we'd never make it in life if we didn't. Our tiredness can oftentimes be the product of procrastination, and we know how it feels to cram everything in at the last minute, but poor time management goes beyond this. Managing your time successfully and reducing burn out includes careful self-examination and a desire to investigate God's desires. And if you want to find relief, it's time for a change somewhere in your life or in your outlook on life.
Some things to ask yourself and pray over:
-Why are you doing this thing? What are your motivations?
-What does God have to say? Did He call you to this, does He want you to continue? What level of involvement does He require? What are you responsible for and what are you not? What is outside your control?
-Where does He need you to spend most of your time?
-What or who do you prioritize the most?
-Are you taking your Sabbath seriously? Are you making time and room to just enjoy God's presence? Are you allowing Him to speak encouragements to you daily? Are you listening? What's getting in the way?
Here's another one: Are you relying on God's strength? Even if you're not intentionally trying to push Him out or you're not consciously saying "I'm going to do this on my own strength", sometimes you need to step back in the middle of the mess and do a perspective check. Visualize God carrying these things for you or have faith if you can't visualize, and focus on the Lord's ability and will. This practice will give you rest, prevent you from feeling overwhelmed (especially if you're like me and tend to create lists upon lists in your head), and remind you of God's heart to provide for you.
I mentioned Sabbath earlier as well. There are tons of resources online that can explain Sabbath practices much better than I can, but here are a few things I consider when taking my Sabbath. I understand that taking a Sabbath means trusting God to take care of all the things you aren't working on at that moment, trusting Him to carry all of the tasks that you feel like you can't complete perfectly or even adequately on your own. It's a continual exercise in resting my heart in the faith in His provision, and more than that it's a reminder of His heart behind the provision. It's acknowledging that He loves me enough to bear my burdens and showcase His glory by exchanging my weakness for His strength. He wants to show me what He can do. He doesn't want to see me deadbeat or corpse-like. He came to give me life, that I may have it abundantly, and that means appreciating the completion or resolution to every task through the lens of grace and God's sovereignty. Even the "bad days" at work are ordained, and He'll let thunderstorms rain down so I can blossom and stretch my growing arms towards the Son and His warmth, which nourishes me. Sabbath allows God to remind me that He likes to do things for me (after all, Sabbath was made for man, not man for Sabbath). He reminds me that because I am in Christ, I can receive the blessings of my inheritance that includes peace beyond understanding and the tenderness of a Father Who wants to nurture His sleepy child. God loves me, and I need my weekly Sabbath time so He can remind me of that, for I am extremely forgetful and I too often nurse doubts.
But let's rewind a bit now and consider the context of the Tolkien quote, the heaviness in Bilbo's heart. He was experiencing a different type of tiredness, which stemmed from cyclical sin that he couldn't let go of. For you it could be one that you are tired of combatting but can't seem to resist nonetheless, and with this in the background amidst a busy work life or homework load, that exhaustion can play out all across the board. Keep this in mind if you're wondering why you're tired even if, say, you feel like you don't actually have too many things on your plate in terms of number of responsibilities, or if you aren't stressed about your multiple roles yet you feel weariness in your spirit. Harboring constant anxieties and doubts without praying earnestly for the faith to one day usher in God's reassurances can be a toxic pattern that catalyzes exhaustion. A rejection or unbelief of God's heart for you or His willingness to do what's best for you can produce bitterness, isolation, and ultimately weariness. If we refuse to come to God with our burdens, or if we doubt that He will take care of them in a perfect timing driven by fierce love, we make room for burn out.
We should also be mindful of the other consequences of managing our activities and heart postures poorly. Excessive weariness is just one of many bad fruits. Note that if we're filling our schedules with activities or degrees of participation God does not intend for us, or if we're relying on our own strength to complete our necessary tasks, then we leave little time or energy to do the things He actually has planned for you. You rob yourself of the joy of experiencing the fullness of joy God has laid out for you, as said joy can reveal itself through activity and obedience. Not only this, but perhaps we end up neglecting the people who might've needed more time with us. We might leave very little room to love on them as we should, or if we love out of our own might then we may love them poorly. I am definitely guilty of this, and we need to be mindful of others. We must then swallow our pride and surrender to the Lord's desire to care for us. We can't do it all on your own, and we need to stop trying; we need to stop feeding apprehension by thinking there will be punishment if we don't meet a benchmark for God or our parents or whoever through unaided efforts. Allowing Jesus to care for your own relationship with Him will allow you to better receive the Holy Spirit to strengthen you when you are called to care for others, and you can delight in that human friendship or relationship all the more as you witness God's love pour out through you and onto you.
Have your brothers and sisters pray for you over this matter, and pray for them too. We all need it.
Verse for prayer:
'"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matthew 11: 28-30
Activity: list the five things you value the most, in an intentional order. Reflect on this.